Beef Stew

What follows is a mostly true account of Friday March 5^th, 2011:

Due to my strict adherence to company policy I was not carrying my cell phone on the day I now call “Brown Friday”. This verbal description will have to suffice.

     Surely Leonardo Da Vinci painted some duds before unleashing the Last Supper on the world. Dear reader, the above photographs are the duds of our mysterious “Brown Bandit.” There are only a few unfortunate souls to have witnessed the Last Supper that the above named bandit unleashed upon the world. 

     In the course of my work day my life changed. At that point I was still a virgin to the world of fecal sabotage. I did not know that I was about to be deflowered in the harshest manner possible. I rounded the corner and a man was setting up a barrier. Being cursed by curiosity, I approached and while exchanging meaningless greetings with this unfortunate custodian I looked over his shoulder and into the single occupant women’s bathroom. (In no way does this imply that our bandit is of the female persuasion. Like I mentioned, this was a lockable bathroom…)

The toilet was overflowing. The hallway was flooded all the way out to the elevators. A flooding toilet isn’t so bad, but when I saw the chunky wet liquid pouring over the lip of the pot I immediately thought of a child throwing up beef stew. There were gagging men attempting to contain the mess. One had the unfortunate job of wading into the restroom, reaching behind the toilet, and shutting off the water valve. The tell-tale signs of our bandit were all there: Strewn toilet paper, streaks of brown sludge on the yellowing tiles, and things of that nature. Worst though were the little boats made of shit sailing in the water flowing from the bathroom.

One man was crossing himself and uttering prayers to Saint Juan Diego, another was weeping and taking the gulping breaths of one who is trying to breathe without using his nose, and the man to which I spoke was trying to show me wallet sized pictures of his family.

I tried to break away—my stomach was doing back flips—but before he let me go the man put a scrap of paper into my hand. His wife’s phone number. “Just in case. Tell her I love her, amigo.” He said before pulling on elbow-length rubber gloves.

This so called “Brown Bandit” must be caught in the act, and if you’ll pardon the pun, with his pants down. Soon after the Last Supper Da Vinci painted his masterpiece, the Mona Lisa. I pray that this shit mongering, fecal terrorist can be stopped before he unveils his Mona Lisa.

Crusting

The Brown Bandit has hit again! This dropping is clearly deliberate, it was located behind the bathroom door so you would have to walk inside and close the door before noticing it. This pie must have been left sometime after hours because when it was discovered by us in the early morning, it looked as though it had been sitting there for at least a few hour- there was significant crusting around the surface of the poo.  

One theory we have been flirting with is the idea that the Bandit is pooping in a container and the placing it on the floor. How else could you produce such a perfect circular pie!? The latest attack differs from the usual modus operandi.  Bandit is known for leaving a show, fecal matter EVERYWHERE! But this was just a small perfect pile. It is only a matter of time before he strikes again…

The crusting in visable in this picture.

Accidents

At times the work of the Brown Bandit is hard to determine. Accident do happen and distinguishing the differences can be difficult. Look at the following examples:

This is clearly the work of the Brown Bandit. As you can see there is fecal matter spread over a large area surrounding the toilet. There is also wads of soiled toilet paper and paper towel scattered around the room. This is clearly intentional and actually seems to one of the BB better days as far as solidity of the BMs are concerned. 

This image is more complicated and could possibly be an accident. As you can see there is shit in the toilet, but it also surround the outside and is partially on the lip. I could see someone suffering from explosive diarrhea just not making it in time and spilling on the floor. The raised toilet seat makes this seem intentional, but because these are unisex bathrooms it is entirely possible that a women ran into the bathroom and dropped her pants before realizing the toilet seat was up. We will never know if this was an accident or not, we can only speculate.

Who is the Brown Bandit?

For over a year my co-workers and I have been tracking a deviant we have dubbed, "The Brown Bandit." It all started when we would occasionally come across a bathroom cloaked in fecal matter. Some of us found this particularly hilarious and started documenting the sightings with our camera phones.

I work in a large office building with quite a few single unisex bathrooms. Unfortunately the BB limits his/her defecation to these bathrooms, making it impossible to tell whether it is a her or she - although we speculate it is a male.

The Brown Bandit does not limit himself to the bathrooms. His distinctive mark has been found in parking structures around the building and even smeared down the handrail in a stairwell. As funny as it may seem to us, the housekeeping staff is stuck with the crappy duty of cleaning the mess up. It is because of this, that the hunt for The Brown Bandit must go on!

 Judging by the distance from the toilet, this is most likely a mark of the Bandit.